Parenting self-help books suck.
They are tutorials on how to coddle and placate your children, not how to raise mentally strong humans.
I don't have all the answers, nor am I qualified to write any self-help books. But I’m here to document my journey as I run little experiments on my young kids aged 2 and 4, with an intention of helping them learn to be more resilient.
Do these experiments work? We'll see. When they’re old enough to read this, they'll be the ones to judge what worked and what didn't.
So if you're on board with my intention to raise mentally strong children, join me and read on :)
Help them practice gratitude daily
After school, I always hear parents ask their kids "what did you learn in school today?" More often than not, they get a non-answer from the child. And I get it, after a long school day as a kid, the last thing I'd want to talk about is the work I did.
For a while, I defaulted to "how was your day?" because I thought it was open-ended enough.
Almost every time, my eldest who has a bit of a dramatic flair would see this as an opportunity to complain about everything under the sun. He'd rant about the rude classmate who stepped on his foot, the teacher who allegedly yelled at him for not listening to instructions, how playtime was way too short, and so on.
I pivoted to a new default question recently: "What made you happy today?"
I started getting answers about all the funny pretend play scenes he was acting out with his friends, how happy he was for getting invited to a birthday party, how he mastered some cube math exercise at school... in short, I started seeing gratitude.
Ask a question premised on gratitude, and you'll get a child who practices gratitude right away.
Carry your own backpack
You chose this cool ass Marvel backpack, so wear it with pride.
You are strong enough to carry your things. You are responsible for taking care of your things.
Yes, this is a big uphill, but that’s how you make your muscles stronger. Do you think superheroes ask their mommies and daddies to carry their bags? Don’t think so.
Take ownership. No excuses.
Try new foods. If you don't like it, then don't eat it... until next time.
The first time my 4 year old tasted this golden pillowy bomb of fragrance, his face contorted and he gagged.
A month later, he watched his father and I gorge our faces with this forbidden fruit. We offered him a small sliver on a fork, just to taste again. He took it in his mouth and frowned.
Then he asked for another, but a bite this time, “That was too little, I need to taste it better.”
Then he asked for a whole chunk but all the durian was gone already, and he begged for us to put it on the shopping list on our next grocery trip.
Durian lovers aren't born - they are made.
I suspect many other other foods are an acquired taste too, so let's always provide our kids with the opportunities to acquire more tastes!
De-normalize juice or dessert with every meal
I don't know when or how it happened, but somehow restaurants and just food culture in society has normalized children having dessert or juice with every meal.
On any kids set menu, 10 times out of 10 I will see a juice and a dessert like jelly or ice cream included in the set.
3.2% of preschool children were obese in 1990, and that rate has shot up to 6.8% in 2020. We should all be very alarmed.
It's not easy to denormalize sugar with every meal. I get into an argument with my son every day because he's persistent, and he will raise the question daily of when his next dessert is.
"When can I have a chocolate fudge cake? Today? Tomorrow? Friday?"
I sound like the most pedantic person ever, but every day I give the same answer that we should only drink juice a few times a week and have dessert on a special occasion because people get heart attacks down the line from too much sugar.
It's not a fun conversation, and I get plenty of rebuttals such as, "Then why am I not fat now?"
It takes all of my mental strength to take the time to explain the science behind it in very simple, easy-to-digest kid terms, but I know I need to do this to raise mentally strong kids that aren't weak for sugar.
You can’t be unstoppable if you’re addicted to sugar.
No phone or tablet when eating, in a stroller, in waiting rooms, on buses, or really... ever
Many parents and even strangers have marveled at how my kids can sit through a 25 minute boat ride without complaint, just enjoying the views while chatting away with each other. Or how they can sit at a restaurant for an hour just eating and chilling, without the need for me to whip out an electronic babysitter called an iPhone.
They ask how I've "trained" them to be able to survive a boat ride without a phone as if it's an unnatural phenomenon, because their kids definitely are "too active" to do that.
The answer is actually really simple, and nothing to do with how active a child is (my boys are plenty active).
If parents stick a Youtube video in a child's face the moment they say "I'm bored" or kick up a fuss, guess what's going to happen? They are going to be conditioned to require the dopamine fix of watching videos to sit through any idle situation.
If you don't have the mental strength to talk your child through their fussiness during idle time, how can you expect them to develop the mental strength to entertain themselves?
Work comes before play, every day
After we have lunch together, we work. We walk the dogs together or do groceries, and we practice writing Chinese characters.
All these activities are a bit of a grind (actually reminiscing upon writing Chinese characters, that's a hell of a lot of a grind). But grinding through an activity just makes the play time or movie time after that much sweeter.
Delayed gratification is delicious. And when you have the will power to delay your gratification, it can become a superpower.
Allowing opportunities for free play, every day
It's easy for kids to live an over-scheduled life. I like to give them time after their classes to play with their friends however they want to, provided that it's safe.
There doesn't even need to be a playground or toys - you'd be surprised by the games they can come up with with friends in a plaza with nothing but concrete to stand on.
Don’t go out of your way to re-do an action just because your toddler is being a dictator
A Terrible Two's classic.
With my eldest, we've made the mistake of actually bending to his dictatorship tendencies throughout his 2's. If we opened the door already, and our son freaked out because he had wanted to open it, we’d close the door and allow him to re-do it. Big mistake.
It spiraled out of control, and we had to change course. I spent a lot more time at home throughout his 3's to undo our mistakes and had to fully focus on his behavior, paying special attention to setting limits and boundaries.
I’ve learned the hard way that when my kids ask for something that micromanages an adult to undo an action just so they could re-do it exactly the way they want to, I need to put my foot down. It’s not happening.
For example, if I already pressed an elevator button then they realize they had wanted to press it - tough luck. You should've called it in advance. You can press the next one. We're not going to let this elevator go just so you can press the button again. Limits and boundaries. We're going to do what makes sense.
I draw this line because I don't want to fall into the trap of reinforcing a toddler’s dictator tendencies again. They need to know the world doesn't revolve around their desires. I do everything I can to give them choices and control where I can, but when it doesn’t make sense, we don’t go down that route.
If they want to do something random that I might not foresee, they'll need to think ahead and ask for it.
"Do you want to watch a documentary about shark attacks or the Thai children that got trapped in a cave?"
Paw Patrol, Grizzy and the Lemmings, Spidey - these are all very fun and pleasant to watch.
Life isn't always fun though.
I want to be completely realistic with my kids that sometimes shit happens.
Do something stupid? Shit's probably going to happen.
Simply in the wrong place at the wrong time? Shit can happen too, so you better think on your feet and be resourceful enough to get yourself out of the situation.
Your parents aren't always going to be by your side to save you. Let's watch how these people save themselves.
"You want to buy this toy? We'll put it on the Santa list."
I don’t believe in walking away from a toy store every time with a purchase. That doesn’t convey the value of money to a child, and it doesn’t teach a child to be grateful when they do receive a gift.
So we have accumulated a long list of toys for Santa to choose from this Christmas.
My kids are on board with this and see it as a win-win. They are definitely going to get something they want at the end of the year, as long as they put in good work towards it!
Be kind to everyone, including your nanny, security guards, and people who don't speak the same language as you
I have a thing about saying "good morning" to familiar faces in my neighborhood, and encourage my kids to do the same.
Sometimes people don't say it back and my eldest gets a bit derailed by their rudeness. I get it, it can be uncomfortable or awkward when other people are rude. But that's life.
Do your part. Be part of the good you want to see in the world because you will rub off on the world and the people around you in a positive way.
Got beef with another kid? Sort it out yourself
My eldest had an argument with his friend A while standing in line at school dismissal the other day. They were jostling each other, both were holding back tears, and they were not happy.
My boy came out crying and in full-on tattle mode saying he got pushed by A. A overheard the conversation and explained that it was my son who cut in line.
They looked to me as an adult to affirm their sides and to give some kind of judgment, but I just listened and told both of them I understand why they're angry.
Probably not what they wanted from an authority figure.
My boy quietly cried through the bus ride home. When we all got off together, he walked up to A on his own accord and said, "I'm sorry for cutting in line, OK?"
His friend frowned as he contemplated the apology, and said, "it's OK."
It brings me pure joy when I see kids resolve problems on their own. They’re often more capable than we think they are.
Be free to make mistakes, but fix them
Accidentally tore a page out of your book? You will find some tape and tape it back up.
Spilled your glass of milk? You will find a rag and wipe your spill.
Lost your temper and pushed your brother? After you calm down, you will check on your brother to make sure he's okay, and make amends with a hug and a kiss.
Mistakes happen to everyone. As a parent, sometimes I'm mentally going crazy when these things happen, but I put all my will power into staying calm, and focus on helping my child make amends instead.
Final thoughts
I'm always going to push, and push.
In fact, I'm going to be pushing you all your life, so hard even your next generation will feel it. I hope you have the mental strength to empower your children to be unbreakable, too.
With all my love and only the best of intentions,
Mom <3